I can not eat out anymore. The reason: feces. I read an article in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch about feces found on lemon slices in restaurants. You might not be surprised to learn this about some fast-food restaurant, but this report was about sit-down restaurants. You know the ones. The ones with miscellaneous stuff found in a gararge sale mounted on the walls. You pay six dollars for mozarella sticks so you can look at rusted bicycles and pictures of Elvis on wood-paneled walls.
I ate at one of these restaurants the other night. What did I order to drink? Water. The waitress said, "Would you like lemon with that." I said, "Yes, please." What she was really saying was, "Would you like a small wedge of defecation with that." What I was really replying was, "Yes, I would like to take a tongue-lapping drink out of your toilet."
I can not eat lemons anymore. I can not even look at them in the grocery store. Before, they were citric, oval, refreshing, yellow pieces of goodness, but now all I see is brown, brown, brown! That is why I am going green. Not Al Gore Green, but Soylent Green.
Soylent Green was a Sci-Fi movie from 1971 starring Charlton Heston. It is a movie about the future and overpopulation. Most of the animals are dead and nothing green will grow. The only food source available to humankind are wafers of soy that are supposed to provide all the nourishment one would need.
This future does not scare me. It gives me hope. It is a future where all the restaurants will be closed. Grocery stores will be abanonded and condemend buildings. Food vendors will be mythical figures of the past No more will disgrunteld workers spit on burgers. No more will flies buzz around and land on deli meats. It is a future where I don't have to worry about lemon slices coated with feces. It is a future for our children.
What if our future comes to this--to soy wafers? What would we miss: taste, texture, aromas, variety, fellowship, and environment? What would we avoid: crap! The future may be bleak and bland, but at least it will not be mined with E. Coli traps. Soy Green is peace of mind!
4 comments:
Just to better affirm your disgust and desire to no longer take a lemon in your drink: I worked in a restaurant for 4 years. It shall remain nameless. But many servers (excluding me, of course) do, in fact, touch the lemons. But B.J., it doesn't stop there. They also touch the Olives and the other Garden foods that go to your table. You either choose to not eat out, like you have, or you hope - with every ounce in you - that your server washed after using the facilities last.
I do believe that soy wafers are a great alternative to eating out. Good luck with that!
So--I guess we'll be eating at home more. Alas, no more Applebee's.
Remember: exposure to germs makes your immune system stronger (or cleanses the gene pool).
See, God gives us an immune system for that sort of thing.
I hope the future doesn't come to soy wafers... I'm allergic to the stuff and can't stand the smell. (Yes, I'm allergic to soy. And milk. But the milk tastes better.)
Soylent Green is made of people!
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