Strongly Disagreeable

I have been applying for work again. I tried this last fall and only got one interview of out 20-some applications--I didn’t get the job. Because I could not find a job, I went back to college. Now that the semester is over I’m back to applying for work. I’ve applied for the following jobs: grocery stores, book stores, substitute teaching, and even children’s ministry.

When I apply for the major chain grocery stores and book stores I have to answer these confusing, double negative-filled questions to determine what kind of temperament I have. Apparently the good people of Schnucks and Borders don’t want to hire any nihilistic, self-loathing, and possibly schizophrenic employees to greet and assist their valued customers.

So, when I am answering these questions I am lying. An example of one of these questions is, “You love to be with people.” I have to answer one of the following: strongly disagree, disagree, agree, or strongly agree. The correct answer is, “strongly agree.” That is the answer I clicked, but I’m a liar.

I fill out many of these applications. For just once I would like to answer truthfully. For example, "You love to be with people.” I would answer, “strongly disagree.” If there was room to explain my answer I would say, “Because I hate you all, and wish you would all die!”

Here are more of my truthful answers and explanations.

You are proud of the work you do at school or on a job. Strongly disagree. I am not proud of anything I have done in my pessimiistic, uneventful, purposeless, crappy life.

You would rather not get involved in other people's problems. Strongly agree. I don’t care for anyone else other than me. You and your problems can kiss off. I'm too busy reading myself into every piece of escapist literature I can find.

You have confidence in yourself. Strongly disagree. I have failed at everything I have attempted to do. My self-esteem is so low I require medication.

You have no big regrets about your past. Strongly disagree. I regret ever being born in this absurd, meaningless, random world where there is neither love nor hope.

You ignore people you don't like. Strongly disagree. I like to passive-aggressively pester the people I don’t like by peeing on their car-door handles or stealing their mail.

There's no use having close friends; they always let you down. Strongly agree. I wish all of my friends would join the armed forces and protect my freedom in some remote part of the world.

You are unsure of what to say when you meet someone. Strongly disagree. I know exactly what I would say, “I am not interested in getting to know you better. You look like the kind of person whose mother smoked and drank while pregnant. I would not be surprised if you killed yourself by keeping the car running in the garage. Get out of my face and never speak to me again, please”

You do some things that upset people. Strongly agree. Like posting this blog, which neither benefits nor uplifts anybody. For all of you losers who have nothing better to do than read this blog, I want you all to get salmonella poison from tomatoes that missed being recalled by the FDA.

Would anyone like to hire me now?I have references.